Monday, May 12, 2008

Tight Spot (a Cautionary and Impolitic Tale from Beyond)

Mom gave me this worn out yellowed copy of a story she wrote in college when I was first experiencing boys. Boys whom she gave nicknames. One was "The Python" for his kissing technique.


Every virtuous female finds herself at one time or often in a situation known by her sisters as a "tight spot." This situation is as inevitable as being born and entails twice the struggle. Some girls thrive on it. They do not realize that they are experiencing a danger more damaging to their maidenly charms than a sagging hipline or inability to put up a good front. They refer to these harrowing situations as "exciting conquests" or LIVING, and are not even aware that they have been in a tight spot until it is too late.

However, for those femmes who do recognize a tight spot and are anxious to edge out of it without marring either face, form, or future we have compiled this page from our handbook of tested methods (tabulated by on-the-spot-virgins) which are guaranteed to provide the cornered coed with the proper response when wedged by some drooling Don Juan into that "tight spot."

Scene: Parked car. Rock Quarry. (Jock has pure, wholesome, angelic etc. tackled in the corner as he gives a graphic description of touch football.)

He: Nobody kisses like you, doll, like nobody ...
She: (Touchback technique. Chapter 5.) Do you know that the whole kissing process is controlled by one muscle ... the aubiculoris oris? Every time you pucker up you owe it all to your aubiculoris oris ...

Scene: Parked car. Second dirt road on the right outside the city limits off Highway 40. (Aggie has young, sweet, innocent etc. cringing in corner as he explains the facts of animal husbandry to her. Sobbing, pleading have proved futile for the young, sweet etc.)

He: When I'm close to you doll, with your sweet face next to mine and your lips so near, I can't breathe.
She: (Chapter 20. You'll wonder where the fellow went.) Now that you've brought it up, Charley, I've often wondered what that peculiar wheezing sound you make sometimes is caused from ...

Scene: Johnston Hall. Front west wall. (Big Frat Cat has untouched, pristine, naive etc. pinned ... figuratively speaking, of course ... against the wall.)

He: You've got to realize doll, the game is played a little faster up here than back home in Filthy Springs, Arkansas. Like live it up!
She: (Chapter 3. Gone with the wind.) Did ah evah tell you about how ah cured mah trench mouth without evah goin' to the doctah?

Scene: Blanket Party. Cosmo Park. (Husky outdoor type faces desperate, fresh, glowing etc. threateningly.)

He: Aw, c'mon doll, that's what blankets are for! Have another can of ...
She: (Chapter 13. When all else fails.) Whoops! How clumsy of me. My, that makes things all soggy, doesn't it?


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home